Are you pushing the good ones away?
After divorce, there will be chances for another serious long term relationship to come but you may be sidetracked by anxiety. These fears can be conscious ones you are familiar with, to ones you never thought you could ever have.
The mind has a commentary on all our experiences. Some are empowering and some are not. In the context of relationships, the dis-empowering commentary is often referred to as baggage or an unconscious belief.
So how do you know if you are in the grips of an unconscious fear or it is actually something valid? Here are a few quick tips:
1. Look at all your past relationships and pick 3 that comes to mind easily.
2. Write down in short why you think it didn’t work out and look for any repeating patterns.
3. Make a list of what are deal breakers for you. Be specific that your deal breakers are more based on empowering values like honesty, kindness, cooperation rather than surface items like eye color or something vague like I don’t like it when a person constantly does not show up on time. If you dive deeper, possibly you are looking for someone who respects you. So respect would be an item on your deal breaker list.
4. Check-in from time to time, to see if this person you are dating meets those requirements.
5. If this person does meet the deal breaker list, yet you still feel fear, criticism and general anxiety than you can sure bet it’s an unconscious belief to unravel and to counter.
Be very careful and conscious of the stories that are cycling in your head as it taints all your experiences. If you feel that you will get hurt, then you will find evidence for it. No one can stand up to continuous constant scrutiny. Set yourself up for success instead of failure and self-sabotage.
Need some support in unraveling the ways you sabotage yourself? Click here to see how I can do just that!